ANTHROPOPHAGUS!!!!

Anthropophagus~ Joe D’Amato, 1980, Italy

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Anthropophagus is totally awesome… But, oddly enough, this opinion is not a universally acknowledged.

LIke it’s director Joe D’Amato, Anthropophagus is quite well known, but not necessarily well liked. In his time, D’Amato would have been overjoyed come in third in any race, but the truth is, he was never anyone’s favorite Italian genre director, he was always just sort of around. He churned out plenty of pictures, however, and while his body of work has it’s share of stinkers, there are a few real goodies, as well. Take this one, for instance; Here, in Anthropophagus, we have a film maker with very little at his disposal, but who looked at the tools he had, identified which ones were truly valuable, and then stretched the shit out of these resources until they were damn near maxed out to hell and back. These efforts are not wasted; Anthropophagus shakes what it’s momma gave it, and its milkshake truly does brings all the boys to the yard. Get ready for a gross, gross movie.

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THE PLOT~ A quaint, sparsely populated Greek Island is transformed into a gore strewn hell on Earth when a shipwrecked family man turned blood thirsty cannibal washes up on it’s shores, only to then slaughter and gobble down every man woman and child in sight (except for two, who are apparently really good at hiding.) Inconveniently, our group of happy-go-lucky travelers have chosen the worst possible time to visit this scenic, Mediterranean locale for their vacation getaway, and by the time they discover that something it’s truly, terrible wrong, it’s too late, and they find themselves stuck on the island with no way to communicate with the outside world, and no choice but to square off in a violent struggle not to be some swarthy Greek dude’s lunch. It doesn’t say anywhere that this is based on a true story, but damn, I really want it to be.

MV5BMTY2MjExOTk1M15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwNzI3OTM5._V1_SX640_SY720_Regardless, It’s a great idea for a story, and from the very beginning of the film, it’s clear that D’Amato wants to build mood and atmosphere, even if his threadbare production feels woefully outmatched by the more sophisticated operations his peers were conducting at the time. When people think of Italian horror films in the 1980’s, one of the stylistic traits that all of these movies seem to have are their sophisticated, jazzy lighting setups, and that’s one thing you’ll notice is absent from Anthropophagus immediately. D’Amato appears to be relying on natural light whenever possible, and when that option isn’t available to him, his fallbacks seem to range from the shitty, to a fucking flashlight. His exterior landscape shots are fantastic, but much of the film feels woefully flat, even if the flashlight gags are fairly endearing. Still, in true Anthropophagus tradition, he milks what is working for him as furiously as possible, and we are treated to some great photography of coastal villages, stately manors, and rad ass Greek tombs, so the visuals here do occasionally deliver, they just don’t “Argento-Deliver.”anthrop5

Almost certainly the greatest asset Anthropophagus has at its disposal, however, is reliable old George Eastman, who both co-wrote the film along with D’Amato, and stars as the titular cannibal. Eastman will be a familiar face to fans of 80’s Euro-shlock, but he’s never been better utilized in a film than he is here. This movie goes the extra mile to make its monster scary, and part of that is taking full advantage of Eastman’s tall, imposing physique. Another part of it is making him look fucking gross and including plenty of sequences where he tears people apart and eats them on camera, both of which are wise choices for a low budget horror film. This is a slasher where the killer doesn’t just kill you, he damn eats you, on the spot, raw. Not even Leatherface is that hardcore! Even with the film’s many shortcomings, the handling of Eastman as the monster is done so well that I would call Anthropophagus a reasonable creepy film, every bit as scary as anything Fulci ever shot, even with it’s clumsy production and irritatingly lame soundtrack. The reveal of Eastman in all his gross glory is a particular highlight that was executed fantastically well, for example.

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VIDEO NASTY BREAKDOWN

Since this is one of the better known Video Nasties, one would be well within their rights to wonder just where Anthropophagus lands of the “obscene piece of filth” scale. Well, the answer is that it fits in quite well, but it doesn’t exactly lead the pack. There’s no onscreen nudity or sex to speak of, an oddity indeed in those days, and there are actually plenty of long, drawn out sequences throughout the film which are fairly slow. These calm, quiet moments, however, are often punctuated with over the top sequences of graphic murder and/or cannibalism, because Anthropophagus is still plenty gross when it wants to be. It’s not at all surprising that this film pissed off the British so much, while it doesn’t match other cannibal nasties, such as Cannibal Holocaust or Cannibal Ferox, it does boast a few of the most memorable moments in the entire Video Nasty cycle. (OFFENSIVE CONTENT WARNING! Are you sensitive? Skip the rest of this paragraph. We’ll both be happier.) One particularly notorious gag has the killer forcibly removing the fetus from a dead pregnant woman, and then eating it in front of the father. Another features a defeated Anthropophagus eating its own intestines as one last defiant gesture of disdain for humanity, before finally collapsing, dead as dubstep. This is strong shit to be sure.images

Overall, this has been one of my favorite Video Nasties from a very early point. If you’re exploring this collection of cinematic malcontents, don’t skip this one. It’s almost certainly among D’Amato’s best efforts, and for all its clunkiness, absolutely worth a watch.

Anthropophagous2000NOTE: I’m not the only dude who loved this movie, Anthropophagus also got an unofficial remake some years back, in the form of Anthropophagous 2000, a shot on video splatter flick helmed by none other than Andreas Schnaas, the German turd merchant responsible for such brutal shitshows as Nikos the Impaler and the Violent Shit trilogy. Knowing anything about Schnass or his work should clue you in immediately to just what sort of a film Anthropophagous 2000 is, but if you need me to fill you in a little, I’m happy to do so: It’s production values are infinitely more meager than anything a ordinary human would ever want to endure, the onscreen violence is cranked up as hard as it could possibly be cranked, and the end result isn’t very pleasant. BUT…. Those sorts of films have an audience, and if that’s what you’re into, go check it out. Despite it’s unlicensed origins, it can be had legally on DVD in the United States, courtesy of Massacre Video… So… Thanks, guys.

A-

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THE BEYOND!!!!

The Beyond~ 1981, Lucio Fulci, Italy

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THE BEYOND!

The Beyond is the second film in Lucio Fulci’s semi-official “Seven Gates of Hell” Trilogy, which is the very definition of squandered opportunity. SEVEN gates of Hell TRILOGY? Come on, dude. What’s the deal? We still got, like, four more gates of hell out there somewhere.

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What kind of person tells us he has seven gates to hell, and then only shares three? Fucked up.

Regardless, The Beyond is often thought of as one of Fulci’s best films, and that’s a reputation that I think is well deserved. This is, indeed, a good movie.

The plot really isn’t that impressive, though. It’s basically just a straight line that connects our protagonist’s introduction, with her eternal damnation. In short, she inherits a hotel (that’s good!) and wouldn’t ya know it, it’s built over one of the Earth’s seven, hidden entrances to Hell (that’s bad).  Immediately everything is really, really horrible, and then she goes to hell forever. A lot of secondary characters die, and that’s the movie.

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Awesome.

Just like with Suspiria, the weak plot isn’t really an issue, we didn’t come to The Beyond with high expectations for an engrossing narrative. What makes this film truly great is it’s superb execution. Like many of Fulci’s films, The Beyond is straught up dream like, and in fact, most of this shit just flat out doesn’t make sense at all. Is this a deliberate abuse of your suspension of disbelief, or evidence of incompetence on the part of the director? I tend to believe it’s the former, but either way, Fulci plays it straight, and when you experience the many frustrating lapses in basic logic alongside the film’s near constant air of menace, the end result is a wildly effective movie for those who have the patience to invest in it. The Beyond is scary for reasons that you can’t quite pin point, which seems to be a common goal amongst the Italian horror maestros of yesteryear. Fulci nailed it this time.

Good ol’ Lucio’s eye for cinematography is here in full force as well, this is a film that probably has a lot more love and care put into it’s aesthetic than you may notice if you don’t know what to look for. When Fucli was playing at the top of his game, he put out movies that got more beautiful the longer you picked at them, and that certainly is the case here. It’s also extremely gory, which is great, The Beyond is a full fledged Video Nasty, folks, and understandably so. The main jam here is lingering. Just lingering! This movie likes to find really, really gross shit, and then just rub your face in it for much longer than is required to get the point across. For gorehounds, that makes this movie well worth the cost of admission alone. For fans of Italian splatter cinema, it’s hard to argue against The Beyond as a must see.

Small gripe; People often call The Beyond a zombie film, which I think it ill-advised. Yes, there are zombies in this movie, but there’s also a whole lot of other stuff going on too. Calling this a zombie movie is sorta like saying that E.T. is a movie about bicycles. Even worse, if you’re looking for zombies specifically, this might leave you feeling underwhelmed, as they are most certainly not this film’s primary focus. If it’s the undead you crave, have a gander at this list for recommendations, because The Beyond really isn’t going to get you what you’re looking for.

Additionally, the movie also bares many traits which are very much typical of European productions of the era, but which also tend to turn off mainstream American horror fans, who expect a more accessible Hidden Gateway To Hell experience. Slow pacing, obnoxious English dubbing, and a sometimes aggravatingly negligent narrative, these are all here, and in spades. If you haven’t seen a lot of these films before, then you might have trouble with The Beyond. You need to think of these films like a hot tub; dip your toes in first to test the temperature, and then lower yourself in as your body adjusts to the warmth. If you just dive in, you’re gonna get burned.

Otherwise, The Beyond is absolutely great, and a highlight of Fulci’s epic filmography.

A+

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VIOLENT SHIT: THE MOVIE

Violent Shit: The Movie~ 2015, Luigi Pastore, Italy

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Sigh<… You’d think by now that I’d have learned a thing or two about not getting my hopes up, but when I read the announcement for this project, it got my attention. It’s such a bizarre turn of events;Violent Shit, the quintessential no-budget German splatter film, was being remade- and by the Italians no less! The new film would have a higher budget (not saying a lot), better production value (saying even less), and would sport an original soundtrack by legendary composer Claudio Simonetti! And if that doesn’t float your boat, it would even feature Euro-horror icon Giovanni Lombardo Radice (AKA John Morghen) in a central role! Holy damn, how could I not want to see this movie?

I’m not crazy about the Violent Shit films (I kinda hate them), but this is tantamount to humanity entering some totally bizarre cinematic echo chamber. Violent Shit was clearly influenced heavily by the Video Nasties that came before it, and now we have this imitation video nasty being made in Violent Shit’s image more than twenty five years later, as if the original movie was just a fan film based on something that didn’t exist yet. At the very least, it looked like this could lend some legitimacy to the franchise, and it would very clearly be worth checking out. So, suffice to say, I preordered the Blu Ray. Will I ever learn?

No, no I won’t. it should go without saying that for all the excitement this strange stage in the evolution of the Violent Shit series may have generated, you can save yourself the trouble; Violent Shit: The Movie is easily the worst film in the entire franchise. It’s kind of amazing that that’s even possible, but here we are. Amazing things happen everyday.

THE PLOT~ When a series of bizarre and brutal murders begin to occur throughout Rome, German authorities send a detective from Hamburg to cooperate with Italian police in investigating what they fear may be the return of legendary German super murderer Karl The Butcher. Naturally, our two detectives waste no time in their investigation to uncover the mysterious truth behind Karl’s return, and to stop the killer before he strikes again. That’s only the first half of the movie, however, after that, the film changes its mind and decides that it wants to be about Giovanni Lombardo Radice’s Satanic coke party, and all of the work the film did in it’s first half establishing characters and plot is tossed in the toilet and discarded forever. We see some sleazy Italians have sex, Karl makes a few brief appearances, and is then casually decapitated in someone’s backyard like it ain’t no thing, and then the fucking movie is over and Luigi Pastore laughs maniacally inside his ornate, cavernous mansion, because he knows you just watched his shitty movie and he has your money, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Holy smokes. This franchise deserved better. I can’t believe I’m saying that, but it really did. It’s probably as good at time as any to remind you what the original Violent Shit looked like:
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Yeah, it looked like garbage, complete and utter garbage, because that’s what it was. It was the product of a handful of German kids dicking around with a VHS camcorder on the weekends, and somehow, the world decided that this was a movie, and now people own copies of it on friggin’ DVD. Even this, meager as it was, was a better experience than what Pastore has done with the Violent Shit franchise.

In fact, why is this even a Violent Shit movie? It’s not even that violent! It’s a complete waste of the license. Karl The Butcher is basically delegated to the role of a party favor, in simple point of fact, this is a complete under-utilization of the Violent Shit brand. This movie is really just about Giovanni and his weird antique collecting/Devil worshiping shit that he’s into, which would be okay, since I do like seeing Radice back again, but damn it, you guys. You probably should have made SOME KIND of effort to make your Violent Shit movie a VIOLENT SHIT movie. Seems like that would obviously be important. I really can’t tell you how profoundly short this movie comes insofar as delivering what is expected of it. The only other franchise reboot I can think of that shit the bed to this dramatic of a degree is actually Leprechaun Origins, which is a Leprechaun movie that somehow forgot to put the Leprechaun in it. Yeah, that was actually worse… But still.

Violent Shit the Movie isn’t just bad, it’s puzzlingly bad. It’s frustrating, pointless, and every mistake it makes is so painfully obvious that it actually makes the experience of watching it irritating in ways which surpass the natural unpleasantness one would experience when sitting through a crappy movie. Violent Shit The Movie is the sort of bad that demands retaliation, like after having seen it, you feel like you’ve been wronged on a personal level. Truly, hell holds a special place for Luigi Pastore.

Oddly enough, Andreas Schnaas’ Anthropophagus 2000, his semi-illegal remake of Joe D’Amato’s 1980 video nasty, is, while still shitty, a much better experience, overall. Apparently, converting Italian to German works a lot better than the other way around.

F

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BLOOD FEAST!

Blood Feast ~ 1963, Herschell Gordon Lewis, USA

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Clocking in at just over an hour, and with a reported budget of only $24,500, Blood Feast is the achievement that would forever enshrine Herschell Gordon Lewis as a name revered amongst horror aficionados the world over. While on first inspection, the lion’s share of this film sucks like friggin’ crazy, it actually can’t be overstated how ahead of it’s time Blood Feast really was. Often cited as the first ever legitimate gore film, this movie began a period of Lewis’ professional life where he would pioneer a new level of blood and guts based exploitation, and would eventually earn the honorary title “The Godfather of Gore.” Today, Blood Feast is over 50 years old, and is still far gnarlier and more explicit than most modern horror films. Time to step up your game, Hollywood.

THE PLOT~ Fuad Ramses, caterer, religious fanatic and serial teenage girl dismemberer, opens up a highly regarded catering business in what appears to be a sexless episode of Mad Men. Knowing that America is the land of religious freedom, he takes advantage of his newly acquired civil liberties and beings to horribly mutilate the shit out of young women- you know- for Ishtar. Can the police stop him before he finishes doing whatever the hell it is he’s trying to achieve? Hell yeah, but first a bunch of girls get the shit murdered out of them, and we watch it all in off-puttingly drawn out sequences of next-level motion picture violence.

How violent and bloody is Blood Feast? Well, today, the vilest, more despicable low budget splat merchants still use this as a benchmark, and I imagine John Waters probably thought it was the best thing ever when he was 16. So, it’s pretty bad.

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Lewis often said that he considered himself a business man, not an artist, so he viewed his motion picture work as an entirely commercial endevour. Kudos for honesty, but this attitude is reflected in every aspect of Blood Feast’s production, this is an artless, by the numbers motion picture that put very little energy into appeasing film theorists. Start to finish, Blood Feast is plagued with boring compositions, “just enough to get it done” dialog, horrendous acting, and thick, red acrylic paint substituting for blood. All of this juxtaposed against the disturbingly retro quaintness of the early 1960’s makes this film feel like some form of Satanic kitch, like a 1950’s themed burger joint operated by Jason Voorhees. The weird thing is that I wouldn’t want it any other way, if the acting were actually good, it would probably be really, really disturbing. Blood Feast is definitely a “bad” film if you hold it up to any artistic scrutiny, but it just feels so right. This is the humble birth of gore cinema, if it didn’t sort of suck, wouldn’t that just feel inappropriate somehow?

 

Additionally, time has been very kind to Blood Feast. The novelty of an early 1960’s gore film existing at all is tremendous, but its clumsy production, lousy story, and prehistoric tropes make the film markedly more fun today than it has ever been before, by all accounts, this is a movie that will continue to gain entertaining value as it becomes more and more antiquated. There’s just so much to laugh at! In the movie, one of our would-be mutilation victims is dating a policeman, who appears to be in his late 40’s- and that’s weird, because I think she’s in high school. Also, at the end of the picture, our bad guy dies in exactly the same way that The Shredder does in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, so I really want to believe that Eastman and Laird owned a battered VHS copy of Blood Feast back in the 80’s. Really, I want that to be true.

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There’s really no argument to be had for Blood Feast’s artistic merit. It wasn’t better than other gore films, it was just “first,” but that’s still important. At the end of the day, people don’t like Lewis’ output for its artistic merit anyway, and Blood Feast is a fun movie that deserves the worship it receives.

FeastFeatB-

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OGROFF/MAD MUTILATOR!

Ogroff AKA The Mad Mutilator ~ 1983, Norbert Georges Mount

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Ogroff is a low budget, nonsensical French gore film about a masked Frenchman who lives in a shack in the woods and massacres anyone who blunders into his little world, which actually seems pretty easy to do. People wander all over his woods like it’s no big deal all the time! Ogroff always finds them, too, one lady doesn’t even leave the highway, she just pulls over and walks to the rear of her vehicle and somehow Ogroff is already in her trunk, just chompin’ at the bit to do some mutilating. The movie does nothing to smooth over how hard that makes no sense at all. It’s sort of like a French version of Violent Shit, but although the craftsmanship is arguably slightly better than it’s German cousin, from a narrative, or even artistic perspective, Ogroff lags miles behind, and that’s a terrifying statement. Simply put, the film is real, real horrible, like so horrible it makes Andy Milligan or J. Piquer Simon look like Orson Wells by comparison. Apparently, director Norbert Georges Mount was a video store clerk by day and a filmmaker on the side when he shot Ogroff. Most people are aware that Quentin Tarantino was at one time himself a video store clerk, but not everyone who works at Home Depot is qualified to build your house for you. We should remember that.

THE PLOT~ Ogroff lives in his flimsy shack in the woods, where his right to mutilate is utterly unchallenged by any form of resistance, and where people constantly intrude with no apparent knowledge of danger, only to be mutilated, by Ogroff. He loves it!

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He’s a pretty happy guy, all things considered!

Most of the people in this film are such horrible actors that they stare Ogroff, actively in the process of killing them, dead in the face with no expression whatsoever, as though partial facial paralysis was a mandatory requirement to audition for a role in the movie. They wander about, completely unresponsive to their surroundings or the situation. It’s like a nearby android manufacturing plant suffered storm damage and now all the droids have escaped and are wandering about the countryside without their brains plugged in. Basically, Ogroff is all about gore laden games of cat and mouse, but with the element of suspense completely absent from the equation entirely.

Until it changes it’s mind about what it wants to be. For a while, Ogroff is effectively, a slasher. HOWEVER… at some point in the film (Maybe around the nine hour mark? Ogroff drags on for days) Ogroff chooses to spare one of his victims, so that he might enjoy her companionship. She actually doesn’t seem too put off by this, and sort of jumps into the backwoods murderer lifestyle relatively easily, until, that is, curiosity gets the better of her and she decides to investigate what Ogroff has in his cellar.

Apparently, and for reasons that are never explained in any way, Casa De Ogroff is like, crammed to the gills with zombies. Ogroff apparently collects them. Many are kept in the cellar, under a flimsy, unsecured hatch, which apparently did the job in keeping them all rounded up just fine until whatshername peeks down there, and then all hell breaks loose. Not only does her intrusion rile up the Undead Basement Bunch, it seemingly activates all zombies, worldwide, because from this point forward this is no longer a slasher, but instead a zombie film, and Ogroff’s Creep Pad is swarming with ghouls in seconds. They literally come out of the walls, but it’s not just Ogroff’s place, the forest surrounding the shack is completely infested as well, and now we mostly leave Ogroff and instead follow our nameless female as she tries to escape from her startlingly more supernatural nightmare, which includes zombies, a Motorcycle riding Ogroff (awesome,) spooky ghost eyes, a vampire priest, and some sort of strange sewer ghoul. Ogroff’s role becomes greatly minimized, and in the last thirty minutes the movie changes it’s mind about what it wants to be wildly, like a child losing interest. The result is both confusing and somewhat delightful, and it sort of puts Ogroff over the top and into psychotronic legend. It is by going that extra mile to suck even harder that this movie reaches it’s brass ring.

I do not believe that Ogroff ever had a script, but if it did, and that script was taken to a scriptwriting workshop for peer review, there would be absolutely no aspect of the work that was salvageable. It’s not about what Ogroff does wrong- you see, nothing works. There is no single idea or concept in this work that is worth saving, from an academic perspective, the only way to have improved this while it was still in the script phase would have been to simply destroy it completely and start fresh.

That’s not to say that you can’t enjoy Ogroff– on the contrary, I had a pretty good time. It’s just that you really, really have to accept that the film completely fails to adhere to any form of logic at all. I don’t feel the “mad genius” vibe on here that you might see from Lynch or Jodorowsky, this just feels shabby and poorly executed. When wading through the muck of the psychotronic film genre, sometimes it’s hard to differentiate between what is stupid, and what is insane. I am not sure where Ogroff lands on that plane… That’s for God to decide.

One particularly unforgivable sequence takes place with some French youths who have set up a chess game out in the middle of nowhere. They sit, essentially motionless, for two hundred years, in silence. The scene drags on like I can’t express, it is incredible. I should also mention that there is almost no dialogue in the entire movie. How did Mount think this was okay? The film’s long list of problems would have been a lot easier to overlook had we not also been torpedoed with this excruciating sequence of inaction. Seriously, there’s a girl hanging out with them who moves around a little, but other than that, nothing happens, they just sit and listen to awful synth music on their radio and wait to die. And if that’s what it’s like to be young in France, I would welcome the coming mutilation. Ogroff would be like an angel of mercy if he were taking me out of that horrid purgatory. The scene really is the worst thing the film does, and it’s pretty hard to pardon it.

But Ogroff is still pretty fun… There’s just something about it. Ogroff, the character, is actually pretty likable, he’s just a man doing what he really loves, and that’s always nice to see. Actually, in a very direct way, Ogroff is the main character in this movie; since none of his victims are around long enough, or have anywhere near enough characterization to steal the show away from him, and because all of his mutilatees are already so lifeless and empty to start with, his reign of axe swinging terror doesn’t even feel like a bad thing. The only emotion we ever see in this film is sheer glee, and it comes from Ogroff himself, while he chops madly at strangers. I wish my job made me that happy.

It’s probably worth addressing Ogroff’s reputation for ultra violence; I think it’s undeserved. While it’s absolutely decently gory, especially for a French film, it isn’t going to blow your mind, and if you’ve seen Violent Shit or have spent any time with Italian splatter films or video nasties, you’ve already seen worse. I think maybe it feels more graphic than it is, in part, because it’s so low budget, but also because the violence is done in such a labored, ritualistic fashion, and because the gore effects are actually decent when compared to how piss poor the rest of the production is. Ogroff almost feels like the home movie of a murderous French hillbilly sometimes, so the blood has more weight to it than in films that are clearly more anchored in fantasy. I only bring it up to clarify that if you get your hands on a copy thinking you and your friends are about to take it to the next level, you might be let down.

So, Ogroff is an oddity. Equally terrible and wacky but a lot of fun for people who are accustomed to this kind of movie experience. I recommend it.

B-