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SPACE AMOEBA!

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Space Amoeba (AKA: Yog: Monster From Space, AKA Gezora, Ganime, Kameba: Kessen! Nankai no daikaijû) 1970, Ishiro Honda – Japan

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In the annals of Kaiju cinema, no one director can claim to have contributed quite as much as Ishiro Honda, the director of like, friggin’ everything. Well, not everything, but he directed a lot. Most of Toho’s real, certifiable kaiju classics come from his body of work, Honda was in the director’s chair for Gojira, Mothra, Rodan, the list goes on and on. However, he also brought us Space Amoeba, which is more or less totally forgettable, so I guess not everything King Midas touches turns to gold.

THE PLOT~ After some alien space glitter hijacks a satellite and crashes it in the ocean, islanders (And some Japanese folks who have come to our island for one reason or another) find themselves terrorized by a series of giant, goofy monsters, which include a squid, two weird crab things, and a spikey turtle. I’m pretty sure the original idea for this story is credited to a five year old kid playing with some toys in the bathtub.

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Although these enormous beasts are indeed a serious threat to our stable of who-cares-characters, we are delighted to learn that each one possesses it’s own unique weakness- for instance, Gezora, the squid type dude, is vulnerable to fire, and Ganime, the crab guy, is vulnerable to having both of it’s eyeballs shot off and then being thrown off of a cliff onto sharp, jagged rocks before suffering horrible injuries brought on by explosive blasts. That’s a good one to remember. We also learn that all the monsters, and indeed, the aliens who control them, are vulnerable to high frequency sounds, so our humans cook up a plan to save the world that mostly hinges on pissing off all of the island’s sleeping fruit bats- but hold up! Someone has been sneaking around and killing all of the bats somehow! Yes, apparently there is a traitor in our midst- Obata, who was kind of already the bad guy since we learned earlier that his entire purpose for tagging along on this island adventure was one of industrial espionage, has apparently been possessed by space glitter also, thereby making him double the traitor. And to think I thought he was just your typical sneaky dude in a flashy white suit with a super dope Satan goatee.

Anyway. The movie ends, as every movie should, with a giant crab wrestling a giant turtle until they both topple over into an active volcano, leaving our cast of good guys to instantly be rescued by a Japanese fishing boat, roll credits.

It’s not amazing. It’s fine, and it’s entertaining enough, but a classic this is not. I’ve read that apparently lots of Westerners have a warm place in their hearts for this film after seeing it in drive-ins or on TV under the name YOG: The Monster From Space, but without the aid of nostalgia to warm your heart, Space Amoeba isn’t going to rise above the rabble. There’s also not much to it, thematically; there’s some stuff in here about respecting indigenous cultures and the exploitation of humans and resources, but as usual, it’s a mixed message, and they sort of touch on the idea of combatting your inner-demons, but for the most part, this is just a straight up B-movie that offers little for your mind to digest beyond giant monsters and a tropical settling.

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The monsters aren’t too bad, though, I especially enjoy seeing Gezora lumbering about on land, for some reason, although Ganimes and Kamoebas (the turtle dude) could have been cooler. The legacy of Space Amoeba isn’t a proud one, these monsters didn’t really go anywhere after this. Off the top of my head, I’m pretty sure I killed Gezora about a million times on the Godzilla Nintendo game, and Kamoebas has a cameo in Godzilla: Tokyo SOS, but he’s a corpse already when he shows up, so all in all the class of Space Amoeba remains under-utilized and relatively forgotten by today’s movie buff. It’s also not easy to get a copy on home video, so that doesn’t help.

piccit_space_amoeba_1971_2043x2909_1446595838 Space Amoeba feels a little cheap, too, almost like they had a few extra reels of film and a bunch of unused monster suits so they decided to squeeze out one more movie before going back to the producers for more funds. I think this one might be for completest only, it’s too difficult to obtain to warrant a viewing for casual Zilla fans.

C

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ALL MONSTERS ATTACK!

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All Monsters Attack A.K.A. Godzilla’s Revenge~ 1969, Ishiro Honda -Japan

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I watched this movie probably 135 times as a child. That makes it hard for me to declare outright that All Monsters Attack is a total piece of crap, even if part of me does want to say that… But that would be dishonest, after all, the film is intentionally geared for a young audience, and I seemed to like it just fine when I was a kid. I can say this, though; for adults, it’s rough. Especially the English dub. Brutal.

The movie focuses on Ichiro, a little kid who nobody likes, least of all the you, the viewer. Ichiro bumbles around sucking at all things, and periodically falls asleep, launching his numerous dream sequences, all of which take place on Monster Island, eternal battleground of giant friggin’ beasts, and therefore the least safe place in the world- but it is here that Ichiro pals around with Minilla, Godzilla’s doofy and equally unworthy son, and slowly learns to stand up for himself and be less of a little bitch. Most of the movie is either Ichiro in the real world, which is super, super depressing, Ichiro on Monster Island, which is goofy, or scenes of Godzilla kicking thing’s asses, which is awesome.

And really, that’s about it for All Monsters Attack, plot wise. The English dub is excruciating, Ichiro sounds like a screeching, annoying little nerd, and that’s really what he is. He had to learn to not suck via dream sequence life lessons, but I would think the same effect could have been achieved if someone had just shaken him and screamed “NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOUR SHIT, KID, QUIT SUCKING!” right into his face.

I also feel the theme song at the beginning is worth mentioning. Even as a child I thought it was weird, it’s this strange hot jazz/angry funk acid nightmare, listen to it here.

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The movie is too uneven, even as a kid’s film. The “real world” sequences are bleak and depressing, which I can remember is how I generally felt about them as a child, even if I could not yet articulate that. Meanwhile, the frequently fast-fowarded to Monster Island sequences delivered the goods, because they packed in like, so many damn monsters. That was probably what made this movie a regular in my childhood VHS rotation, high monster count.

One of the lesser Toho Godzilla films, and possibly the worst Showa outting for Big G..

C-

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Destroy All Monsters!!!

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Destroy All Monsters~ 1968, Ishiro Honda – Japan

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In 1968 Toho released their THIRD Ishiro Honda directed Godzilla film wherein a race of extra-terrestrials take control of Earth’s monsters in an attempt to force a surrender and usher in alien occupation of the planet. Each of these films feature Ghidorah as the ultimate monster challenge posed to Godzilla and co., and in each film, mankind discovers a way to release their monsters from the alien’s control at the eleventh hour and saves the day. To rephrase that, between 1964 and 1968, Toho released five Godzilla films, and three of them had essentially the same story. I’m not saying I dislike this run of films, but how can anyone argue that things were getting alarmingly “been there done that” by this point? This is the Super Street Fighter II of Godzilla films (Making Final Wars the Super Street Fighter II Turbo of the franchise.)

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THE PLOT- Mankind is really kicking ass these days. We’ve managed to put together a pretty sweet international space program, complete with moon bases, and Earth’s monsters are all contained for observation on a tricked out island somewhere in the Pacific. Advanced science has been developed to prevent each of the monsters from ever escaping, and simultaneously we’ve designed a self sufficient Eco-system which can feed the creatures indefinitely while we study them from ultra safe bunkers deep beneath the surface of the island. Yes sir, nothing can go wrong now. Oh, wouldn’t you know it, aliens show up and want to conquer our sweet planet, and they have somehow managed to take control of all of our monsters. Really, really sucks how often this happens.

Long story short, there is some space warfare stuff that goes down, and in the end we manage to free our monsters from alien control and defeat the interloping space people once again. Sound familiar? This also won’t be the last time Toho does this in a movie.

It’s not so bad, though. It’s still a pretty good effort, and the alien/outer space stuff is actually done pretty well, much better than in Invasion Of Astro Monster. The daring human assault on the alien moon bases is an especially exciting and well done sequence for it’s lack of giant monsters, and the film does a good job upping the ante and making this movie feel more global and epic in scope. It does really feel like the very survival of mankind is on the line, and really, that’s the mark of a successful alien invasion film, so kudos on that, Ishiro.

There are also lots, and lots of monsters, and they look good. The big battle at the end where Godzilla leads a monster army against Ghidorah and the alien invaders is pretty cool, and it’s satisfying to see Ghidorah get his ass beat so, so hard by Papa G’s Kaiju Posse.

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Overall, Destroy All Monsters does it right, but the problem is that we’ve just tread this ground so many times already. Had it not been diluted by the foul backwash of repetition, this movie would really shine. As it is, it’s still pretty good.

B-

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SON OF GODZILLA

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Son of Godzilla~ 1967, Jun Fukuda – Japan

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THE PLOT- A group of scientists (And one plucky, interloping journalist) work tirelessly in a Son-of-Godzilla-postertop secret research laboratory located on a remote island. Their experiments, focused on climate control, backfire, heating up the island to near unlivable temperatures, as well as causing a freak mutation in the island’s already pretty giant bugs, this time making them really, really giant. Things couldn’t get any worse, just kidding, of course they can- the giant bugs dig up an egg, which hatches. The hatchling? Apparently Godzilla JR! Eager to buck the absentee father kaiju dinosaur stereotype, Godzilla trods up onto shore for some good old fashioned monster child rearing. Things with our scientists are bad, they all got weird jungle fever, there is increased tension amongst the ranks, and now the island has turned into a full on Kaiju ass-whooping zone, so these are for sure stressful days. Their only hope for salvation comes in the form a mysterious woman found living on the island, and, of course, through Godzilla’s innate skill at clobbering the hell out of anything and everything.

Son of Godzilla is good! It’s a fun one. It looks cheaper, the monster costumes look a little 2585_17620less masterfully crafted than they have in the past, although there is passable use of insect puppetry here. It’s clearly meant to be more of a children’s film than past Godzilla flicks, but it’s not so over the top that adults needs be concerned, and little Godzilla Jr. (I should stop pretending that I don’t know his name- it just wasn’t ever mentioned in this film) doesn’t approach Jar Jar levels of annoyance by any means… At least, not in this movie, he doesn’t.

Really, the biggest flaw in Son of Godzilla is that while it is clearly geared for a younger audience, it’s too slow for kids, and it takes way, way too long for the monsters to turn up. When I used to watch these movies as a kid, the human sequences were a brutal chore to endure, I always wanted that monster on the screen right now. For Son of Godzilla, there’s a lot of work leading up the monsters, and possibly not enough payoff.

Regardless, the true test of how well Son of Godzilla performs for a young audience would be to let some kids watch it. From an adult perspective, the film is lighthearted, but still very enjoyable.

Check out these cool posters.
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B

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Godzilla Versus The Sea Monster!

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Godzilla Versus the Sea Monster, AKA Ebirah: Horror of the Deep ~ 1966, Jun Fukuda – Japan

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Immediately following Invasion of Astro Monster, which was perhaps Godzilla at his most recycled, we have Ebirah, Horror of the Deep, one of the freshest films in the series up to this point. Thanks, Toho, and not a minute too soon!
For Ebirah, we have a new director, Jun Fukuda, and his style is a serious breath of fresh air. While I would never want for this to sound like a dismissal of Ishiro Honda’s remarkable talents, I will say that there is certainly enough room under the kaiju umbrella for more than one voice at the helm of the Godzilla franchise, and if there was ever a time that new blood was needed, it was right around 1966. The movie also moves the action from Japan’s cities and countryside to a remote, tropical island, and this shift in setting only further accents just how off the badly beaten path this film was to the series at that time.

THE PLOT- Although his brother’s ship has been lost at sea, Ryota is utterly convinced that he is somehow alive. He’s so convinced, actually, that he ends up hijacking a boat and dragging three total strangers, one of whom is a damn bank robber, on a fool-hearty adventure to find and rescue his lost sibling, and the group wastes no time becoming shipwrecked themselves when they are attacked by a huge, lobster type monster named Ebirah, leaving them stranded on the shores of a mysterious island.

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As the four soon come to realize, this island is controlled by a secretive paramilitary organization called The Red Bamboo, who have been using kidnapped natives from Infant Island as slave labor. Word of advice to the world’s paramilitary organizations; if you intend to kidnap islanders for slave labor, maybe pick a group that can’t pray to a giant, flying guardian monster to save them. I really hoped you’d use better judgment, guys.

Through their jungle adventures, our boys pick up a fifth friend, a female from Infant Island, and also discover Godzilla snoozing aggressively in a giant pile of boulders in one of the islands caves. Long story slightly less long, they wake up Godzilla, and shit get’s smashed. It’s really great!

godzilla-vs-sea-monsterI imagine that Ebirah would be Godzilla’s most delicious foe.

First, let’s talk about what Fukuda does that rocks my business so hard- his directorial style feels much more in line with the youthful bounce of 60’s beach cinema than Honda’s classical, 50’s screen aesthetic. While Honda’s work is tops, Fukuda’s feels great, too, and it really works in Ebirah. Here we have a noticeably more dynamic use of composition and moving camera, we have occasional zooms and dolly’s, even some dutch angles. The monster encounters are, in my opinion, drastically improved by this new, more dramatic use of camera, with angles shifting from claustrophobic close ups which stress the size of these beasts, to frantic, sometimes first person perspectives used in the fights between Godzilla and Ebirah. At one point, Godzilla’s fire breath is belched directly into the camera- I’m pretty sure that’s the first time I’ve seen that in this series, correct me if I’m wrong. This might be a controversial statement, but I feel that Fukuda’s use of camera in Ebirah is more effective when dealing with monsters which we are supposed to believe are enormous than what I’ve seen in previous Hondra directed outings, and I can’t remember being as impressed by the visuals in one of these movies since the first Godzilla film back in ’54.

The music undergoes a shift, as well. Akira Ifukube always brought a strange, Japanese folk inspired Bushido dirge to the series, but for this film we have a new composer, Masaru Sato, and, like Fukuda, he brings things up to date with a bouncier, zanier beach pop sound, and even some traces of surf rock guitar. I think it works, and it certainly adds to the film’s upbeat tone. Again, no disrespect meant, Ifukube is an absolute master and his work in the Godzilla franchise cannot be praised enough, but right now, we needed something new, and we got it. As a result, this movie benefits, and so does the audience.

On the setting: The tropical island thing isn’t totally unseen in these Toho kaiju pictures, but ordinarily, the action is always moved back to Japan and out of these remote locations. Not so with Ebirah, here, that’s where the meat of the story sits, and the implications of this give us a very different film. By removing the inevitably of city smashing and innocent casualties that are unavoidable when Godzilla thrashes around well populated areas, he is here free to stomp bad guys exclusively, and in this way he can continue his path toward becoming a more heroic figure, something Toho seemed interested in pursuing at this time. It’s also a lot more cooperative with the notion of the film being more fun and less dark, which it absolutely is. Hell, the Godzilla/Ebirah battle scene starts off with a rousing game of monster volleyball, and then leads into some Dick Dale guitar/submarine beast throw down type stuff, I’d have to think that Fukuda went into this wanting us to have a positive experience.

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And I think you will. Only the stodgiest of Godzilla traditionalists would throw up their arms in protest of Fukuda’s treatment of Big Green, and my guess is most of those people died in the theater back in ’98 when Roland Emmerich’s American ‘Zilla film premiered, so we shouldn’t hear too many objections to this glowing review. Or will we?!?

A

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INVASION OF ASTRO-MONSTER!

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Invasion of Astro-Monster ~ 1965, Ishiro Honda – Japan

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Rocky waters for the Godzilla franchise!

Following the awesome Ghidorah The Three Headed Monster we have Invasion of Astro-Monster, which is actually weirdly similar, but not anywhere near as good. Like the last film. We again have Godzilla and Rodan VS King Ghidorah, almost like they didn’t want to go get any new monsters costumes out of the garage, but we’re missing Mothra this time out, so in a sense it’s even a step back from it’s immediate prequel. Weird!

THE PLOT- A new Planet, called Planet X, is discovered in our solar system. We soon learn that Planet X is inhabited by an advanced race of humanoids, and they want our help. It seems that after he had his ass handed to him by our Earth monsters, King Ghidorah retreated to Planet X, a land where he could ruin everything indiscriminately without interference. The people of Planet X offer a trade; they can’t deal with Ghidorah’s shit anymore, so if we loan them Godzilla and Rodan they’ll give us the cure for cancer. Long story short, they’re a bunch of treacherous A-holes, and soon we end up with an invasion force from Planet X forcibly attempted to colonize Earth, and they happen to control Godzilla, Rodan AND King Ghidorah using electro magnetic waves now. It looks grim for Earth, but since most of you are aware that there are another twenty or so sequels to this film, I don’t think it’s out of line for me to spoil the end and say that they figure it out okay.

So, Invasion of Astro Monster feels way too much like it’s predecessor to be fresh. WAAAY too much like it. Also hindering the film is the light monster content; there just isn’t enough kaiju clobbering action to carry this picture. What we have instead is a greatly expanded role for extra-terrestrials, something that was hinted at in the prior film, but relatively unexplored. This time around we certainly get our fill of aliens, but they feel boring and they eat up way too much run time. Ghidorah: The Three Headed Monster had so much going for it, but Invasion of Astro-Monster just feels like an inferior sibling.

Also, this is the movie where Godzilla does his weird victory dance. I don’t know what in the hell that was about.

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C-

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GHIDORAH THE THREE HEADED MONSTER!!!

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Ghidorah the Three Headed Monster ~ 1964, Ishiro Honda -Japan

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Hell yeah! After the somewhat less than thrilling Mothra VS Godzilla, we are again back on the right track with the excellent Ghidorah; The Three Headed Monster, one of the best Godzilla films released up to that point. This movie is relevant for a couple reasons, but also it’s really, really cool. End of review?

THE PLOT- Strange, global anomalies are on the rise. Both Godzilla, and Rodan have returned from wherever the hell they were and for however the hell long they were gone, UFO sightings are becoming more frequent, and a strange meteorite falls to Earth and lands in the mountains, eventually cracking open to reveal Ghidorah, a three headed douchebag from space. Initially, Godzilla and Rodan are disinterested in Ghidorah, or the threat he poses to humanity, as they are much more interested in kicking each others asses simply because the other chose to exist, but Mothra, understanding Ghidorah to be a death sentence to Planet Earth, makes a desperate appeal to them to unite with her against the onslaught of Ghidorahs crazy lightning breath and loud dragon shrieks. The forces of Godzilla, Rodan, and Mothra (only a larva this whole movie) combine, and beat the hell out of Ghidorah until he flies away.

Ghidorah; The Three Headed Monster has a pretty involved plot, with multiple characters who are conneghidorahcted to one another in various ways, but all the film’s events center around one character – a Princess with amnesia who believes herself to be from Venus, and who also seems to have some psychic abilities. Is she crazy? Maybe? Probably not? Anyway, hot on her trail are some menacing would-be assassins, and she’s really the anchor that holds the narrative together. Everybody wants to either kill her, save her, or exploit her in some way.

This complex plot is welcome, though the film still makes use of scientists and journalists as it’s main stable of characters, it manages to avoid the recycled vibe that had started creeping into the series in prior instalments, and that’s really important. The human characters are all likable, and we don’t feel like we’re wasting our time with them, plus the tiny singing ladies from Infant Island show up, as well, and they’re always good.

Even more crucial; Ghidorah; The Three Headed Monster delivers on the kaiju front. List time;

  1. Four monsters! – That’s two more than two! At this point, this was the closest to a wall to wall monster fest a kid could hope for, and these are quality kaiju we’re talking about here, none of that Jet Jaguar shit. Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra and the424440-giant-monster-movies-ghidorah-the-three-headed-monster-poster-2 newly introduced King Ghidorah is a pretty A-List line up.
  2. The fights– The monster fights in this movie are all great. The big, four-monster brawl at the end starts off strong and kinda ends on an off note, but it’s still very enjoyable.

Something to mention, though… Although the Rodan VS Godzilla fight is still pretty cool, there are a lot of points during that one that start to look less like a fight, and more like a sex scene. Kind of a lot. And the Ghidorah fight at the end does look slightly gang bang-ish at times, too. Am I suggesting that Toho was having some fun with us? That Ishiro Honda was really into monster porn? No. I don’t know what I’m saying; but turn this movie on and tell me it doesn’t look a little bit like Godzilla and Rodan are doing it.

  1. Monster personality!!! – This is, for sure, the first time in the series we actually get an insight into these monsters individual personalities, and it is surprisingly fun and rewarding (also a little silly, but who in the hell cares, this is a movie where two radioactive dinosaurs and a caterpillar battle a three headed asshole dragon from beyond the stars. I would hope that you could pardon a little silliness). Mothra literally speaks to Rodan and Godzilla. Apparently, these skreeonks and assorted beast screams are actually a universal monster language, and the Tiny Women from Infant Island translate the conversation for us. Mothra comes across compassionate and magnanimous, and both Godzilla and Rodan are grumpy, stuborn dicks. Awesome. They both refuse to help, until Mothra says “Okay, looks like I’m gonna have to go it alone,” and wiggles off to her certain doom, at which point Rodan and Big Papa G quickly decide “F that, no way!” And rush to Mothra’s rescue. The whole sequence is a really fun insight into a side of these characters we haven’t seen before, and in fact, it makes them enjoyable characters in a new way. It is at this point that Godzilla really begins his transformation from the terror of Japan to the likable, ornery, anti-hero he would be for most of the remaining Showa era films. It’s a major turning point in the series, and it helps to boost Ghidorah; The Three Headed Monster up, making it one of the better films in the entire cannon.

Plus, Rodan isn’t in enough movies.

A

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Mothra Versus Godzilla!!!!

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Mothra Versus Godzilla (AKA Godzilla Versus The Thing) -1964, Ishiro Honda – Japan

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The Godzilla franchise has displayed an impressive disinterest in continuity from early on. We see that reflected here in Mothra Versus Godzilla, a good, but not great, Kaiju romp from Ishiro Honda, director of the far better Mothra, and Gojira, and like, a million other movies also.

Mothra Versus Godzilla has a highly recycled plot; little more than a rehashing of Mothra and King Kong Versus Godzilla smooshed together. The characters are likable enough, however, the effects range from decent to good, and the art direction is also fairly well done. The film somehow feels cheaper than some of it’s predecessors, though, and it suffers from some less than top notch monster throwdown sequences.

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THE PLOT- So, nobody remembers Mothra. You know, that bug the size of a skyscraper that decimated cities, destroyed famous landmarks and took countless lives like, two weeks ago? Yeah, I know, who can keep up on current events these days… So, anyways, when a typhoon washes an enormous egg up onto a beach in Japan, nobody thinks twice about turning it into a tourist attraction. This egg, we come to learn, belongs to Mothra, and her two tiny singing fairy girls show up to try to negotiate it’s return. Nothin’ doin’, the egg is now in the clutches of a couple of no good, money grubbin’ tycoon types, and they know they can make like, mad yen off that shit, so the fairies return to their island home eggless.

Well, it’s about that time that Godzilla shows up, fresh from his apparent loss to King Kong, so he’s all riled up and looking to reestablish himself as the king of smashing. Shameless, our three Japanese main characters (who I intend to talk about as little as possible) head off to Infant Island (That’s where Mothra lives) to try and ask for help. Eventually, this help is granted, the monsters fight, and the movie is over.

It’s not horribly exciting. The human characters are passable, but nothing special. They essentially come across as less developed, less likable clones of the three human characters from Mothra, with two of them being journalists, and one being a scientist (The actor playing the scientist is even the same guy in both films; franchise favorite Hiroshi Koizumi.)

The worst thing we have here is that the monster fights aren’t that great. Let’s face it, I love Mothra, but her offensive capabilities just aren’t up to par with Big Green. Throughout the franchise, there are various instances of Mothra pledging to “save mankind” or “protect mankind” from Godzilla, and honestly, who are they kidding? The fight between Godzilla and Mothra is something else, she just kinda flaps around him, blows things at him with her wings, drags him around a little, it just looks like she’s pestering the shit out of him. Nothing looks, painful, he does not look as though he is incurring any injuries, he just looks super, super annoyed and probably really wishes it would stop. Mothra doesn’t defeat Godzilla, but it really looks like he’s having a lousy afternoon.

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Damn, he hates it.

It get’s worse; after she pisses him off and irritates the hell out of him, she just flies off, lands somewhere, and then dies, because her short insect lifespan has come to it’s natural end… So… Not the most climactic end to a monsters life, but that’s what happens (I’m not kidding that’s exactly what happens). So, Godzilla, now nowhere close to defeated, continues his raid on Japan, probably really upset and confused by what just happened to him, and people flip out.

So, what now? After that, the egg hatches, just like it always does, and two larvae emerge- just like they always do. The two little rolli-poli critters, now less than an hour old, are immediately expected to face off against the ultimate destructive force on the planet, which was born of a union between the second and fourth most destructive forces on the planet. (Second most destructive force; Atomic weapons. Fourth most destructive force; dinosaurs. The third most destructive force is Wilford Brimley.)

If you thought the Mothra/Godzilla fight was less than pulse pounding, this one is infinitely worse. The two larvae basically wiggle on over, find little hidey holes, and then just poke out their giant caterpillar faces and spray Godzilla with a stream of cocoon webbing from the safety of their sniper dens. They spray Godzilla, he flails around, they keep spraying, flail, spray, flail, spray, this goes on for some time. Finally, a fully cocooned Godzilla bumbles over and falls into the ocean. Victory? Okay… If Godzilla is no longer visible, apparently that means he’s done for now. Not really that exciting, Toho, but okay.

So, the movie is still really fun, but it really looks like the franchise is starting to lose some of it’s magic right about now. Luckily they’d go on to recapture it with varying degrees of success with a long line of sequels.

C+

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KING KONG VERSUS GODZILLA

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King Kong Versus Godzilla~ 1962, Ishiro Honda – Japan (Later reedited for American release)

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THE PLOT: Scientists discover a mysterious berry on a remote island which can totally get you high.

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This is King Kong, and he loves those berries.

Immediately, the race is on to collect these psychedelic berries, mash them into juice and sell them somehow. Coincidentally, the island these berries are found on is also home to King Kong, who some scientists theorize could have possibly reached his large size through repeated ingestion of these magical krunk berries, because there is ample evidence to show that Kong is a habitual berry user. So, while on the island, the decision is made to capture Kong, too, why the hell not? Meanwhile, Godzilla busts out of his iceberg prison from Godzilla Raids again, and he’s pissed about it. In the end, the decision is made to pit Godzilla’s “tail swipes and dragon breath” based fighting style against King Kong’s fighting technique, which, as everyone knows, is entirely predicated upon the availability of boulders. Having giant monster trouble? For Japan, the answer is always “Add another monster.”

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This will work itself out.

Like all early Godzilla films, this move faced re-editing and the filming of additional “White people” scenes for American distribution. These scenes, I’m convinced, do not help, because they never, ever do. Ever. The white person version is the only one I’ve seen, though, so I guess I don’t know that for a fact.

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So, the movie isn’t very good. The effects are surprisingly cheap, and the suits look terrible, especially King Kong and his sometimes elongated monkey arms. The monster scenes aren’t exciting, and the humans are also predictably disinteresting. The film is noteworthy, but only because these really are the two most famous giant monsters ever, so pitting them against one another is a big deal. The movie was also really, really successful. And wacky. This is a much sillier film than any preceding Godzilla movies, all that gloom and terror from Gojira has been traded for zany antics of near Abbot and Costello levels. I’m serious, this shit is straight goofy .

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Really quick, I want to get back to Kong’s berry usage, because it’s pretty hilarious. The way they deal with Kong problems in this movie is just to present him with the opportunity to get wasted on berries, which he always immediately accepts without hesitation, and then he just passes out and they can chain him up or drag him onto a boat or kill him or whatever they need to do, no problem. This dependable “off-switch” for Kong makes him much more manageable than Godzilla, who has no known substance abuse problems. In this way, Kong becomes our de-facto “good guy,” because he’s controlable.

Another reason the movie is noteworthy? It’s full of what appears to be Asians in blackface, imitating… South Americans? Africans? It’s hard to tell what they were shooting for, but those definitely look like Asian people painted dark, pretending to be non-Asian people. They do the same thing in Mothra.. I’m not sure how to comprehend that kind of racism, but here it is, for future generations to ponder.

C+

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VARAN THE UNBELIEVABLE!

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Varan The Unbelievable – 1962, Ishiro Honda – Japan

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Poor Varan. Turns out Big Papa Toho did not create all his Kaiju equal. Like Godzilla, Rodan, and Mothra, Varan, yet another giant, spikey lizard (but with flying squirrel flaps!), was introduced to the world in his very own standalone movie; and like his three, more fortunate comrades, he got the royal treatment. His name was the title of the movie, he didn’t share the stage with any other monsters, and in his film, he was depicted as being a near invincible force of prehistoric fury which threatened all of Japan, if not the world. This is pretty boiler plate kaiju contract stuff. However; whereas Godzilla, Mothra, and Rodan went on to enjoy decade spanning careers full of glorious mayhem, Varan fast faded into relative obscurity. In fact, the only time I remember seeing him again was in Destroy all Monsters, and even then, he was basically downgraded to the Kaiju equivalent of an extra. he didn’t even fight anybody. Fucking Gorosaurus got more love than Varan! What went wrong?!

THE PLOT~ when two scientists are mysteriously killed in a remote area of Japan while on an expedition to capture butterflies (really!) the brilliant decision to dispatch three additional scientists to the exact same area is made without haste. Lo and behold, our new team of scientists discover that the superstitious locals believe these killings to have been done by their god, who is, no surprise, an angry monster. This primitive belief is instantly belittled and dismissed by our scientists, who go on to immediately awaken, and subsequently irritate the shit out of that very monster, who then destroys the village real hard. Our dickhead scientists then go back to their big, monster-free city and tell everybody about this creature, who they have named Varan, and Japan says “What’s that you say? A living dinosaur? The most miraculous living creature on Earth? We better go kill that.” So, a bunch of Army dudes descend on the rubble that was once a peaceful Japanese village out in the middle of nowhere and try their damndest to kill what is quite possibly the rarest creature on the planet. While they fail to kill Varan at this time, they are succesful in pissing him off- wildly succesful, in fact. Varan, no longer enjoying his living situation now that the lake he slept in is poisoned and cannon shells seem to be impacting against his head constantly, gets the hell out of there and travels to Tokyo for absolutely no reason. The Japanese, refusing to take “Please don’t kill me” for an answer, assemble their top scientists for Plan B- the focus of which is still killing the hell out of Varan because he is very large and not shaped like a person- a crime they cannot pardon. A new plan is formulated and put into effect, and Varan suffers. Victory!

So, just why exactly did Gojira, Mothra, and Rodan go off with such a glorious bang, while Varan goes off with a muted, humiliated frump? Well…

Varan feels cheap, for one thing- low budget, and crummy. firstly, there were apparently more than one Varan costumes used, and they are of inconsistent quality. That’s a problem, but it’s far from the only area where the producers seemed a little penny-conscious; the underwater sequences are especially flimsy and look devastatingly swimming-pool-like. I don’t think this is what killed the film, however. Budgetary shortcomings can be overlooked, and monsters can be embraced even if they begin their lives as poorhouse kaiju. For Varan, his movie suffers greatly from its simplicity more than anything. It feels underdeveloped and rushed, right off the bat, it’s evident that this is a much more linear, Point A to Point B style monster movie than Gojira, Mothra, or Rodan were. This is 100% the truth, and it sucks.

It’s just so one dimensional! It never really takes the time to breathe or invest in its characters. Every time Varan goes on a rampage the tension is actually actively removed by frequent visits over to the sidelines, where numerous onlookers, mostly scientists, reporters, and military personnel, just hang out and watch the chaos, apparently not at risk of getting Varraned. To be frank, this is a bone-headed mistake, it makes this monster mayhem feel alarmingly safe, and in the end the black and white photography does more to make Varan feel gloomy than the actual on-screen smashing.

Varan’s simplicity is, however, most devastating in it’s tendency to dole out the what, while totally skipping over the why. That’s the greatest folly of Varan; gone entirely from it’s composition is the element of introspection which we had come to take for granted in Toho’s monster films. This thing could have carried the alternative title “SCIENTISTS ARE DICKS: THE MOVIE.” That’s the real moral, and it’s a moral that appears to be lost on Varan’s narrative altogether. This movie totally glosses over the undeniable guilt of the film’s scientists, who are responsible for everything bad that happens in this film, start to finish. It’s not ever even suggested that they could be guilty of anything whatsoever, and damn, they’re super, super guilty, in a big way. I wanna take you through a scene:

When the second group arrives at the remote village near Varan’s den, the same village that is soon after destroyed by Varan, there is a conflict of sorts between the town’s religious leader and Kenji, the lead scientist who has come to investigate what has happened to his colleagues. Essentially; it plays out like this:

Kenji: ‘Sup? Heard you guys think there’s a monster. That’s so stupid- there isn’t!

Priest: …Well, we’re pretty sure there is-

Kenji: That’s stupid!

Priest:…Well, okay, just listen, please, don’t go over there into that area you guys, okay? It’s kind of a big deal for us-

Kenji: PISS ON YOUR RELIGION, WE’RE SCIENTISTS! WE’RE GOING RIGHT INTO THAT AREA, YOU STUPID IDIOT!!!

<Barges in, instantly piss off monster>

Kenji: Oh, looks like he is real.

<monster completely destroys village and everything inside it>

Kenji: Well, we’re going back to Tokyo where we have electricity and McDonalds, have fun dying in the wilderness without food or shelter, you fucking assholes.

AND SCENE!

For real, that’s the bare bones of how that plays out. These people show up, immediately disrespect the locals, blatantly defy their rules, they heed no warnings because they think they know better, and then when they wake up Varan, they just bounce, and the only people left to bare the weight of the consequences are the poor villagers, who are first treated like idiots and then go on to lose absolutely everything, insult AND injury. The fate of these people is never again addressed or considered, and no amount of shame is directed at the scientists who actually provoked the attack in the first place. They appear to forget about these human lives that they’ve destroyed immediately, and move onto the task killing this creature for no reason at all. It’s this attack that drives Varan out of his ultra-remote home and into highly a populated metropolitan area, as well, so it’s actually so, so obvious that this is another hubris story, but I honestly think the film fails to recognize this. It’s never explored or stated, they really just follow it along in a startlingly two dimensional fashion, and I think this is the biggest reason Varan failed to gain traction, and ultimately, could not help establish Varan himself as a monster with a future in the film industry. This is the Toho picture that rushed out a statement before it even knew what that statement was; and it’s not even a new statement. In fact, it’s so overt, that the argument could be made that this isn’t even hubris, so much as a simple lesson in morality. “Don’t be a dick” is another moral very present in Varan, but it too is not acknowledged or expressed in a conscious way by the movie itself. It’s kinda nuts.

This is a real minimalist, cut and dry monster movie that fails to give us a reason to feel anything about what we experience within it’s narrative. Frankly, it’s bellow average. Varan suffers from terminal simplicity, and because of this, his future is a bleak, bleak thing. It’s too bad, he seems like an okay guy.

C-

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