Suicide Squad– 2016, David Ayer, USA


Here is a complete list of everything good in the 2016 super hero film Suicide Squad:

  1. Ike Barinholtz

That’s it!

Suicide Squad is a badly directed, cliche ridden piece of dreck that has so much going on, it’s never allowed to savor a single moment unless it’s also facilitating the hell out of some clumsy exposition. It’s an economy class super hero picture, there just isn’t enough time to get everything done that this film needs to do, so in true DC/Warner Bros style, it rushes its balls off, and because the powers-that-be are also inclined to pepper this rat turd with as much sugar as they can to try and compensate for its terrible blandness, they drench the fucker with liberal doses of pop music in an effort to trick you into thinking you’re having a good time- because who doesn’t like Bohemian Rhapsody? The end result is, in no uncertain terms, a montage. A badly made, two hour music montage, smeared with fan service, and Margot Robbie’s butt, and it fucking sucks. One really gets the impression that David Ayer might make a mean mix CD, but he really shouldn’t be directing motion pictures.

Or writing, them, while we’re on the topic- in addition to being in far too much of a hurry, this thing is badly plotted and embarrassingly derivative. The dialogue is just start to finish cringe worthy, rivaling B-movies of the 1950’s in how ham fisted and stilted it is. And even worse, because Suicide Squad is so uncomfortably compressed, basically every awkward line is 100% necessary to advance the plot. There’s no garnish, this is all load-bearing structure style dialogue, and if they cut one more line the damn pictures caves in and the plot become lost- and what a plot it is! This is pretty much just a rehashing of Escape From New York, The Dirty Dozen, and Ghostbusters, but with shitty third string DC characters nobody cares about. In summary; horrible movie, good soundtrack, fan service, Margot Robbie’s butt. What a shitshow.

And it’s just sad. How is it that DC/Warner Bros just CANNOT figure this out? They have every advantage- a hungry, desperate and unfailingly forgiving fanbase that would happily bend over backwards to enjoy one of these pictures if only they could, two full length motions pictures worth of trial and error, complete with detailed feedback from fans and critics alike to help them hammer this fucker into shape, and the invaluable work done by rival studio Marvel, which not only gave them years worth of examples on how to do this the right way (although clearly nobody at DC/Warner were taking notes), but also already did the heavy lifting in training a global audience on how to understand and accept something as radical as a shared, expansive, multi-franchise cinematic universe for comic book superheroes, and that’s actually huge. Basically, all the hard work has already been done by the competition, and DC/Warner Bros have been given a product that millions of people are ravenous for. Yet still, here we are, having this same old conversation. DC! WARNER! You can’t squeak out ONE passable 90 minute movie? These people are FAST running out of excuses. DC/Warner Bros are basically the kid in T-Ball that is just NEVER gonna hit that ball, no matter how many free swings you give him. These people are hopeless, and it’s not even fun ripping on them anymore.

One more dig before I go- WOW. Cara Delevingne is a truly HORRIBLE actress. Like, way bad. I laughed inadvertently more than once at her, and she is NEVER supposed to be funny in this film. I felt bad when it happened, but it just flew out. Who gave her this part?! How does this happen?

But you know what- since I’m such a sweetheart, I’ll admit that Captain Boomerang and Diablo actually had their moments. They weren’t as good as Ike Barinholtz, but they weren’t bad.

The Joker, though… Yeah. Everyone wants this to be some revelation because this character has such a rich lineage of big screen (and small screen) performances, but it’s just not in the cards this time around. This is, no question, the worst live action attempt at portraying the character yet. It’s uninspired and lame. Dude, psychopaths don’t tattoo “damaged” on their foreheads, Juggalos do. I’d call this pandering, except that in order to pander, you have to be dumbing down your product to meet the demand of a clientele which is less intelligent than you are. In this instance,I think it’s the other way around.

Suicide Squad is DC’s third strike. This thing fucking sucks.

more movies


Godzilla– 1998. Roland Emmerich – USA


…I don’t want to spend too much time on this one… It’s just kicking a guy when he’s down. More importantly, there’s nothing to say. Godzilla is crap. It serves no purpose, but to be the far, shallow end of the Godzilla franchise’s grading scale… With any luck, this will always be the worst Godzilla film.

I has almost no connection to Godzilla, save for  name, and the fact that it’s about a giant, lizard like monster, attacking a city. By this token, Gorgo and Reptilicus are as close to Gojira as Godzilla is. What a foul stench this one leaves….

THE PLOT- Do I have to? A radioactive iguana attacks New York. Turns out he’s laying eggs there and building a nest under ground, because this “Godzilla” reproduces asexually. Wonderful. A good chunk of the film features Jean Reno and a bunch of losers being chased around by baby Godzillas, because this shit-fest wants to rip off  Jurassic Park more than it does the actual movies it’s supposed to be based on. How embarrassing.

The Godzilla redesign is also just awfull, but to be fair, I remember when this movie was released, and I expected them to drastically rewrite the book when it came to Godzilla’s physical appearance. I think that was a sign on the times, people expected it. It’s good that Gareth Edward’s 2014 reboot stuck with a design a lot closer to the classic Godzilla, because that’s the ultimate case of “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

It’s even bad enough to be noteworthy! It sucks ass, but it lands right on the “who cares” level of film assessment. Really, the name “Godzilla” is the ONLY reason this thing didn’t end up being forgotten by now, because beyond that, there’s nothing here.

It’s worth mentioning that Toho was so repulsed by this piece of shit that they acknowledged its existance within the timeline of Godzilla proper just so that they could assert that this was NOT Godzilla, and then they friggin’ killed this stupid thing in Final Wars.


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