Terminator Genisys ~ 2015, Alan Taylor, USA
According to renown Cambridge Geneticist Aubrey de Grey, if advancements in medical science continue at the rate they have in recent history, the first human being who will live to reach the age of 1,000 is currently alive, somewhere in the world, today. It’s admittedly a controversial statement, but if this theory proves to be true, it would be nothing less than astounding. We don’t know who this person is, or where they will come from, but we do know one thing for certain; even with a lifespan well in excess of fourteen times the current average, this human being does not have enough time on Earth to justify wasting the two hours and five minutes it would take to watch Terminator Genisys, from start, to finish. No one does.
THE PLOT~ No. Fuck you. We’re not doing that. The plot here is not worth summarizing, it’s like most time travel films, clumsy, convoluted, and full of fucking holes. One difference, however, is that where most time travel movies have a written in complexity meant to keep the story interesting, or to distract from a weak narrative, the convoluted plot here is clearly crafted to serve one single, ultimate purpose: to explain just why in the hell Arnold Schwarzenegger is so freaking old. He’s a robot, why would a robot age?
Will the King of One-Liners soon be adding “Help, I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!” to his repertoire?
Paramount knew that the one and only reason they had to put this film into production was that they had Arnold back, at long last, so they go to great lengths to justify how unkind the years have been to him, and even with all the work they do, it still doesn’t really make sense. It’s dumb, but we could forgive it super easily if Genisys was at least entertaining… And it’s not. This film does nothing to numb the pain, it’s a shit show, plain and simple, and all the nostalgia in the world can’t keep it afloat. Please… I beg of you…. BELIEVE me when I say that I WANTED to love Arnold’s return to the Terminator franchise. I really did… But not like this… I never wanted this.
And who would!?!? Whoever asked for a soft reboot, PG-13 Terminator movie with an evil John Connor, a clueless Kyle Reese, an obnoxious know-it-all Sarah Connor, and an elderly old Terminator who learns how to love? Did anyone NOT try to kill themselves as they read this paragraph!?
Yeah, the Terminator in this movie is a good guy again. He shows up in the distant past and raises an orphaned Sarah Connor (for some reason?), who affectionately calls him “Pops,” like he’s her damn dad. (He’s a robot skeleton from the future designed to murder people, remember.) There’s a shit load of horrible dialogue in this film about Pops struggling to comprehend human emotions, and it helps to make the film about as much fun to watch as that shot in Home Alone where Marv steps on the nail.
Here’s a few groan-worthy lines I took the liberty of writing down:
SARAH CONNOR: “It isn’t just mating, I’m supposed to fall in love with him!”
TERMINATOR: “My files do not deal with love.”
(Sarah hugs The Terminator)
TERMINATOR: A meaningless gesture. Why hold onto someone when you know you must let them go?
SARAH CONNOR: The girl you came to save? She’s gone! I don’t need saving!
And of course, the new Terminator catchphrase:
TERMINATOR: Old- not obsolete.
Pretty bad, huh? Those are all real.
It also tries to be funny far more often than is appropriate, and it succeeds never. Really, there isn’t anything here that isn’t a complete failure, aside from the special effects, which are fine. There really couldn’t be a better example of the “Lipstick on a pig” phenomena at play, however, you can jazz a turd up with glitzy CG all you want, the end result is just a fancier, more expensive turd. That’s really all this movie is; a heinous, unwanted, unworthy turd, caked in glitter and lipstick. This is the kind of movie that actor’s leave off of their resumes. May it rot in hell.