Tag Archives: horror

THE DEVIL’S RAIN!!!

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The Devil’s Rain ~ 1975, Robert Fuest

Devils-Rain-poster-1

What would it be like if Ernest Borgnine worshiped Satan and a bunch of people melted? It’s a question we’ve all asked ourselves at one time or another, and now, we have an answer; It would be awesome, and it would be just like this movie; The Devil’s Rain, starring, of course, Ernest Borgnine as well as William Shatner, and Tom Skerritt.

John Travolta is in it too… But you should probably watch it anyway.

The Devil's Rain Poster

THE PLOT- Mark Preston (Willy “Beam Me Up” Shatner) and his family have been tormented by cult leader and Satanic O.G. Jonathan Corbis (Ernie “Eyebrows” Borgnine) for generations. Apparently, one of the Preston’s ancestors betrayed Corbis and stole some super important Satan book from him, and Corbis is being a real dick about getting it back. Mark charges off to confront Corbis, only to learn he’s bitten off more Satanism than he can chew, so the job falls to Mark’s brother Tom (played by Tom “Can’t my character’s name just be Tom?” Skerritt) to go set things straight with the man downstairs. Along the way we have thrills, chills, awesome monster makeup, and a ton of people who melt, eyeballs first. It’s awesome.

devilsrainThis freaking movie is rated PG! I couldn’t believe that after I had seen it. True, it does predate the introduction of the PG-13 rating but almost a full decade, but the real point I’m trying to make is that The Devil’s Rain really doesn’t feel like it’s holding back. It’s perfectly effective even without subject matter that would have earned it an R rating. Really, it’s a pretty quality Satanic Cult movie, and it feels like having people melt is an awesome gore loophole, since apparently that doesn’t count as actual blood and guts, but it does manage to satisfy the same gruesome fascination. We’re on to something here!

It’s also shot really well, and the acting is great. Skerritt, Shatner and especially Borgnine really bring their A-game, and the story is fun.

Highly recommended, and superior to a lot of it’s Satanic Cult film classmates. Now, if you want to see more people melt go track down Street Trash and The Incredible Melting Man.

A-

Human Centipede II!

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Human Centipede II: Full Sequence~ 2011, Tom Six, USA, The Netherlands

human-centipede-2-poster

 

Human Centipede II had some big, gross shoes to fill. It’s predecessor, Human Centipede: First Sequence had enjoyed an unexpected level of success. For the sequel, writer/director Tom Six has the intimidating task of trying to out do his wildly popular film, and he mostly fails.

On some levels, this film is incredibly daring, and at least a little bit brilliant. By far, the greatest thing about this film is how outside the box it is as a sequel; in Human Centipede II, the preceding film is only a movie. In other words, the two do not take place in the same fictional universe. Therefore, the implication is that while the first film was only a movie,  this second installment takes place in the real world… Like, where you and I live. Well, where you live. This is a very abstract way to follow up a popular film, possibly borrowing from Wes Craven’s New Nightmare a little bit, but unlike New Nightmare, Human Centipede II is incredibly stylized, looking more like Eraserhead than the Human Centipede. The statement that “This is reality, and it’s infinitely more bleak and unnerving than fiction” is well captured, and in reality, this is the only thing about Human Centipede II that I really enjoyed. This concept is not limited only to the visual aesthetic, in fact every aspect of the film’s presentation is fuming with dark, nihilistic grief, filth, and misery, like the key party Edgar Allan Poe, Aleister Crowley and the dead members of Mayhem are probably throwing in Nifelheim right now. Human Centipede II is the ugliest movie I’ve ever seen, in every way. Our central character, Martin (somehow both protagonist and antagonist), is a squat, bug eyed mute who we are told is “retarded,” and is also obsessed with Human Centipede. He’s deeply motivated to create his own Human Centipede in real life, and that’s just what he does, much more successfully than the first film’s mad doctor, none the less. And he’s no highly functional smooth criminal, Martin is a bumbling piece of trash that does a terrible job every step of the way, but it doesn’t matter because he almost never comes up against any form of resistance. Almost anyone should have been able to put a swift end to his filthy machinations with little to no effort, but no one ever does. Martin is like some kind of cartoon sloth who is somehow able to carry out the most brutal atrocities known to Dutch culture, but couldn’t successfully purchase a pair of shoes if his life depended on it. It’s like the movie wants us all to know that horrible, terrible things are completely inevitable, and that every aspect of existence is hideous and dirty. Well, that’s what I got out of the film, at least.

I’m not sure that it’s fair to say that Human Centipede II is a bad movie just because it’s unpleasant to watch, but luckily that battle can be fought another day because the film suffers from enough unrelated detriments to render that discussion relatively unimportant. It’s clear that Six’s real intention here was to out do himself on shock value above all else, and to do this he mostly just makes the movie as gross as possible. Human Centipede II is poopier, rape-ier, pervier, and gorier than it’s predecessor by a long shot… And it’s just terrible. It just doesn’t add to the enjoyability of the film in any way, shape, or form, in fact, it’s a massive blow to the integrity of the piece. It’s beyond cheapened, and the filth doesn’t even feel artfully presented, it’s just gross for gross’ sake, and that’s all. Tom Six wanted to outdo himself. He wanted anyone who watched Human Centipede and shrugged it off as “not that hardcore” to quiver in shock at the terrible production he hath wrought. Well, we’ve seen it now, Mr. Six, and yeah, that was horrendously unpleasant. What of it?

There are lots of films out there right now pushing the bar for shock value, and some of them don’t actually suck. Why not watch them instead? Human Centipede II is a trip you really don’t need to take, so I would recommend that it be avoided.

According to IMDB, the third Human Centipede film has completed production. Hooray.

D-

Abominable!

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Abominable~ 2006, Ryan Schifrin, USA

Abominable_movie_poster

As it stands, Abominable is the single best sasquatch movie ever made. This is the one to beat. It’s no small feat (no small feet!? Hilarious!), either, many quality films have come before, be they your family friendly Harry and the Hendersons, your spine tingling speculative documentaries like Legend of Boggy Creek, or your crowd pleasing horror romps like Shriek of the Mutilated or Night of the Demon, but of all these, Abominable is the one ring to rule them all. How can this be? Well, the first key to Abominable’s success is that it has gore and naked people. Even with glorious titan of entertainment John Lithgow slam dunking that mother like a champ, Harry And The Hendersons simply cannot compete with Abominable in this regard. Secondly, Abominable rips off Alfred Hitchcock’s classic film Rear Window with apparently no remorse of any kind. The plot is damn near identical, a wheel chair bound man witnesses something terrible and tries frantically to warn those around him, but his claims are dismissed and thus he must race against time to prove himself before it’s too late. Now, in Rear Window we had Jimmy Stewart trying to convince people that Raymond Burr had murdered his wife. In Abominable, we have Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach star Matt McCoy trying to convince a house full of college girls that a Sasquatch is trying to eat them. Knowing that director Ryan Schifrin must have watched Rear Window and recognized the potential of remaking the film with the inclusion of a sasquatch and a house full of college girls is pretty awesome. In Hitchcock’s defense, there was virtually no way for him to have known how desperately Rear Window needed a Bigfoot type monster in it, no matter how glaringly apparent it is to us today. You see, Rear Window was released in 1954, a full four years before the term “bigfoot” was coined in 1958, and a full 13 years before the Patterson Film raised sasquatch public awareness and made him a household name. In other words, at the time of Rear Window’s release, Alfred Hitchcock may not have even known what a sasquatch was. Doubtless, he knew his film was missing some crucial component, though, and when he did see the Patterson footage years later there is no question in my mind that he was immediately hit with the realization that this is what his film so badly needed. I’m sure this shortcoming haunted him for the rest of his days, but happily we can now see that his suffering is at an end, because Ryan Schifrin has succeeded where Alfred Hitchcock could not, he has brought us the movie we’ve needed without knowing for over 50 years. Now we can all sleep easy knowing that future generations will never again have to settle for the inferior bigfootless 1954 version, now we have Abominable. Finally we are able to enjoy Hitchcock’s vision as it was always meant to be seen; a Sasquatch stomping about violently, the screams of young women echoing through the forest in utter futility as they are one by one dismembered for no apparent reason at all, and all of this transpiring before the wide, horrified eyes of Matt McCoy, himself nearly powerless to bring this bloody rampage to an end. Rarely can we see examples of films which bring this much wanted closure to our pained, desperate zeitgeist, but Abominable is that one special film out of a million. I mean, no disrespect to Jimmy Stewart, he’s one of my favorite actors ever, but go watch Jaws without the shark and let me know what you thought of it. Also, the sasquatch in this movie kinda looks like Luis Guzmán, which is clearly also a plus.

squatch guzmanSeeing double?!

A

Casting the Fantastic Crap movie (Still not a real movie)

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For anyone who is keeping up with the most recent page updates, you’ve probably by now seen Captain Sexy, the antagonist for issue 2. Just to further help enrich the experience for you as you read through this issue, I thought I’d share with you the ideal actor to portray the Captain, if I were to ever make Fantastic Crap Comics into a feature film. If you’re familiar with his body of work, I think you’ll agree that he is THE man for the part.

BRIAN BLESSED AS………..

Actor And Adventurer Brian Blessed-1736236

 

CAPTAIN SEXY!

captain

So far, Blessed is the only actor I’ve expressed interest in that is still alive, which is great, since he’s also totally perfect for the role, to the point that I could not contain my enthusiasm were this to every actually happen. It would seriously make my day.

Casting the Fantastic Crap Movie that doesn’t exist

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If I could make this into a feature film, and cast any actors I wish..

imgCharles Bronson3

CHARLES BRONSON
as…………………
Qwan

QWAN

Charles Bronson has retired from acting, as well as being alive, so in order to cast him I’d need the time machine from Bill and Ted. It would be worth it, however, because Charles Bronson is so, so cool. Also, fun fact; Qwan’s physical appearance is inspired by Bronson’s leathery, cowboy squint.