Things – 1989, Andrew Jordan, Canada
Things is what I like to call a “worst case scenario movie”…
I’m sure you can see what I mean.
…Because at the end of the day, a movie is just the culmination of countless decisions; some large, and some tiny, but all important in one way or another. Everything from “What’s the movie about” to “what ‘door slam’ sound effect do I want to use in this scene?”, each and every one of these choices must be made, and all have some measurable impact on the finished product.
Now, a “worst case scenario” movie happens when every single decision made throughout the entire process was 100% wrong, but somehow, the movie just exists anyway. It’s hard to accept, but this IS possible; somehow, in isolated cases, people have been able to finish an entire film and never once make the right call on any single decision throughout the entire process, start to finish. It does happen, my friends, and it DID happen; with Things.
People like to throw around the term “worst movie of all time” an awful lot these days, and by now, the phrase has become so overused that a lot of it’s impact is sorta lost, but Things absolutely is one of the worst movies ever, and it always will be. This isn’t so much a feature film, it’s more a case of people standing in front of a camera correctly. Not well, mind you, but they are in front of a camera, so if it’s a pass/fail, they pass.
THE PLOT~ Some dude’s wife can’t get pregnant, so they attempt some sort of experimental, artificial insemination procedure, and as a result, she births a litter of murder bugs. So far so good, right? Well, that’s where the good news stops. After that, we are immediately thrown into a universe where two morons drink beer and act like unintelligent, aimlessly hostile children for an eternity while absolutely nothing ever happens, and absolutely no one reacts to anything, ever.
Acting is reacting? Think again. Things is here to refute that hypothesis.
Periodically, there is news footage intercut with our “narrative,” but like the rest of the film, these are both stupid, and entirely incoherent. People do eventually die, but it fucking sucks so hard, and it takes a thousand years before anything happens. If you accidently hit “record” on your smartphone while it sits around in your pocket for 90 minutes, there’s a strong likelihood that the result will be a more entertaining, and more artistically valid film than this one.
It’s basically this for two hours.
You should see the notes I took for this review; they go on for pages and pages, and while I could probably write a five thousand word review outlining just a couple highlights, it feels like a bad use of my time. The truth is, every critic in the world could go at this film full blast until they collapse from exhaustion and still not even scratch the surface. It is, simply put, as bad as a movie could possibly be. I can’t imagine how this film wasn’t just thrown right into the garbage the first time someone watched it.
I’m all for the preservation of art, but this film just screams “destroy me.”
Movies aren’t easy to make, I acknowledge that. Actually, in my mind, that just makes this whole thing even more confusing. How could anyone be capable of actually creating an entire film and still lack even the most basic grasp of what a film should be? It’s a mother f’in’ enigma, you guys. Seriously, NOTHING in Things is done right, well, or even good enough. This movie is, and I speak with complete conviction, one of the single worst movies ever made. Probably in the top five, maybe the top three. Frankly, I don’t expect this title belt to be challenged anytime soon, and probably the worst thing about it is that is isn’t even fun. When we watch other worse case scenario films, like Birdemic, or The Room, we laugh…. When we watch Things, we groan. My recommendation is to avoid this travesty at all costs, for it is terrible… so, so very terrible.
Still a better movie than Sucker Punch.
F
